I seem chipper and disciplined but I am also insecure everyday of my life. I think about the things that I could have had, I think about how I may be bad at my job, how I have let people down in the past and how I will let more people down in the future. I could be better at every aspect of life and my anxiety is so bad that sometimes I have to get up from where I’m sitting and go for a walk or even change the clothes that I’m wearing to give myself a distraction. I’m legitimately messed up. But everyday, even after going through these worries, things that I believe that most people get through the day without having to worry about, I still do it. After whatever bad may happen, I will still wake up the next day and try to improve.
I think that there is also a belief that if you’re not getting better, then you’re getting worse. As a former athlete we used to look at this phrase and let it hold a lot of weight. To a degree it’s true, but getting better takes time, and getting used to sticky situations and staying stagnant for a little while is OK too. It’s when you’ve given up and you don’t see that reality of getting better anymore, that’s when you should worry. Keep at it, keep working towards getting better, even if you’re stagnant. Because if you let it go, you might lose it for good.
The worst is trying to push through when you’ve gone through something really horrible. Losing someone who you loved in your life, going through a traumatic experience – just grief in general, it is hard to push through. You feel like this weight in your chest that seems like it wants to implode and eat you up from the inside out. I’ve felt this a few times. When you feel that pit in your chest you don’t want to push but sometimes you do. You wake up, you dread the day, but you put on your clothes, go to work, eat something that you might like, and do your chores. You feel like crap but you push through.
You push through because even though you may feel like wanting to die, the back of your mind is suggesting otherwise. It’s suggesting that you want to live and you’re going to be stagnant for awhile until you figure out a way to get out of this traumatizing experience. You do these things reflexively because even though you know you’re not in the right headspace, you will be fine. You stack up these days, eventually you will forget about dreading the mornings. You learn that everything around you is bullshit, but that doesn’t matter because it’s always been bullshit, so make it your bullshit. The shit don’t stick if it’s yours. The fact that you showed up, proves that you’ve haven’t thrown in the towel. It shows that you haven’t given up, that’s there’s still a little life behind those eyes. You showed up, you’re winning.
Go get that ribbon.