The only thing that’s changed about me since being 16 years old (the age where I started to critically think about the person I was), to now as an almost 20 years old is that I’m more aware of how unaware I am. Does that make sense? When I was 16 years old, all fat and shit, I was always wondering what kind of person I was. Around this time was when I took a high school philosophy class and was asking myself existential questions. Am I a good person? At what point do I become a good or bad person? Is it important to be a good person? In present time I’m just more worried about whether or not I’m being myself. I don’t know what I want. I don’t know if I’m actually good at this writing thing or if I’m just the only person in my friend group that does it which leads me to being good at this by default. My good friend the other day mentioned taking my words away from me. I told her that if she did that then I’d be just a schmuck. She then proceeded to make a reference about some show I don’t watch. Am I really just a schmuck who can occasionally put words on paper? I ponder this at 3:43 am. You see, the number one reason to why I write is because if I don’t, I go to bed with thoughts about literally everything. I think about women, I think about social issues, I think about how many times I can see the same band without getting bored. Because of this I’ve never started an entry while the sun is up. So for the first time ever, I will write an entry that is purely selfish. There really is no lesson or analysis on some anime series you’ve never watched before, this is just me venting-enjoy.
What the fuck am I?
I’m constantly asking myself this. The reason why I watch so much anime, so many movies, so many television series, and all these freaking comics is because I see myself in all these characters. Ask any friend, if you want to talk about some television series I really liked, I won’t shut up. I get really attached to fiction because I always put myself into the characters’ positions. I recently finished a rewatch of How I Met Your Mother
, and to be honest I can see myself as Marshall, Ted, and Barney. I see myself as all these characters. I enjoy taking “which character are you” quizzes to relate with characters at a deeper level but I have to realize something, I am not a television character. I don’t speak in trends, I’m not predictable. There will never be a personality quiz that can nail me down because at the end of the day I don’t even know what I am. When I was 18, I thought tattoos were gross, now I want a sleeve of them. We often enjoy these personality quizzes because we are confused about ourselves. Have you ever realized that the only thing more satisfying than talking about yourself is being told by others about yourself? We are confused and we look for answers from others.
I love women; I think about women a lot. However, at the age of 20 I have never had a girlfriend. The honest reason why is because in my first 19 years of life I never cared for one. I was always trying to figure myself out, I never stopped and thought “Hey, what if I had a girlfriend”. Is that strange? I’m really the only person I know who’s never had an SO or have ever been “seeing” somebody. I also fall really easily. I fall for girls who I find physically attractive who also let me be close with them. I also imagine myself marrying these women and having futures with them. That is my main identifier with Ted Mosby. This is why I limit my close female friends in fear that I will develop emotions for them. This is probably the only consistent social trend I’ve had since I was 13 years old. This past April I fell for a girl hardcore only to be left out to dry because she has a boyfriend and let’s say she didn’t have a boyfriend-what the fuck
would I do about it? I think this all the time, how do I push an emotional relationship with a girl when I’m too in my head. Do I even like girls as much as I should or do I just love the idea of girls (by the way this isn’t a question about sexual orientation but rather my range of attraction to women). Although I can safely say I don’t feel the same way about this girl as I did back in April, who’s to say that I won’t fall back into it when I see her during the school year. Am I fucked in the head?
Do I love/hate myself?
This is a tough question because I really don’t know. There are parts of my life where I feel depressed because I haven’t accomplished any lofty goals. The things that I’m good at, I don’t really enjoy, nor can I capitalize off my talents. However, sometimes I feel joy for myself because I realize that I’m kind of the shit. I’m funny, charismatic, easy to be around, and fuck I have a great head of hair. This is what I mean mainly when I say that I’m way too in my head and that I’m very aware of how unaware I am. As much as I hate myself, I find that this is how much I can also love myself, so I’m always at a stalemate with my emotions. That’s why I’m always so relaxed because I have a hard time understanding how I should feel.
My friends who watch my YouTube videos, read my blog, talk to me in real life, always tell me that I’m a very self aware person, that I know myself well. In reality I have no idea what is going on in my head. I just say what’s on my mind, without a filter and it just seems like I know what I’m talking about when I really don’t. If anything, I’m honest and people will respect that. I’m always able to spin things in a positive manner because I see no reason not to, I choose to behave in a certain way because I feel that my mantra in life doesn’t negatively affect myself or those around me. I try my best to stay neutral. So if I seem cold or warm it’s because I’m always finding the balance. When I’m always thinking, I’m always in need to write. This is my favourite way of expressing myself. This is why I write. Sometimes I think to myself “Am I the only person with this problem” but chances are if you’re reading to the end of this entry, I’m not.