What You Should Do When I Die

NO I AM NOT PLANNING ON DYING ANYTIME SOON. Life is going fine right now and I would very much like to keep it that way. I was just thinking about this the other day because I realized that a lot of my relationships are online. The people I play games with on Discord, my irl friends who I communicate with more over the internet than in real life, the people I work with, and your mom who I’m only allowed to see when your dad is out of town. If I died involuntarily, nobody outside of family would know. My parents aren’t really connected to my social group like that and lord knows that they can’t use social media. If I die, that’s kind of it. BUT let’s say my parents do find one or two friends to spread the news of my abrupt demise – this is what you do when I die.

First we have to spread the news. I have a public Instagram account because I let my balls hang and have nothing to hide. I know for a fact that coworkers have creeped me without actually following me and that’s fine. I am handsome, I understand being gawked at. But because I have a public account – everyone should start uploading pics that they have with me and tag my account. This way, people will know “oh no Baron’s dead”. I would rather you use pictures from 2020 and on, but if you have pictures of me before then – that’s cool too. I’m not ashamed of my past and I realized that past Baron was a funny dude and spread a lot of joy as a jolly fat man. Post your stories, give the people your sob story – I need the world to understand that they lost an angel.

Next thing we do, someone print every article of this blog and put it into a book. Artists make the most money when they die, I want my articles to become a book to archive every single Thoughtful Bear thought out there. This book will have everything: comedy, poetry, being emo, reviews of pop culture. Just like the bible, it will be a book where you can’t tell if the writer was being serious or not. I want my gospel to be spread. Let the people know why competitive eating should be more popular. We need the masses to be aware that time I made love to a woman with long hair. These are stories and issues that need to be shared because if I don’t share them, who will?

The last thing that needs to happen is a ginormous party and you need to bury me in my party shirt. It’s my blue floral button down from Uniqlo – it’s actually developed a few fans. My funeral will not be a mournful event – it will be a celebration of life. I’m talking about open bar, I’m talking about playing my public Spotify playlists. I want someone to write a letter to each member of BTS to have them know how important each one of them is to me. I need people to wear any colour but black because we’re here to celebrate not be sad. There will also be amazing food because ain’t nobody leaving my party sad and hungry. It should be a momentous occasion.

And yeah, I get it – I’m a narcissist and I like being in control of my narrative. Maybe this article is a way to get ahead of it before it actually happens but I am also a people pleaser and I want people to know that Baron’s got them, even in the afterlife. But more so than anything I want people to laugh. I want to pull one more prank and give everyone one more story about me. We’re doing an open casket ceremony – my top will be wearing my party shirt. However, no pants. I want people to just stare at my dick at my funeral. One last joke (and stroke) as I cross the great divide. You’re welcome people, please take a selfie with my dick at the funeral party.

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