Last night I was hanging out with a good friend of mine. We were conversing about how our lives were going which eventually lead us to bring up her relationship. She told me that her boyfriend told her that he loved her. My friend could not reply the same. She told me that although she does love her boyfriend, she will never be in love with him. I found this rather strange but I decided to not push the issue due to the fact of me not wanting to touch a sensitive issue. When she told me this all I thought was “what does that even mean”, followed up by me saying “wow, I sound like a movie”. What’s the difference of being in love and just loving someone. I love Drake, I love NFL Sundays, and I love Naruto, but what’s the difference between that and being in love with someone. I mean yeah I guess it’s pretty obvious; one is romantic and the other is simply just affection. But still, the idea of being in love VS just loving somebody, why is that so different? Let me tell you this: I will probably not find an answer for you but let’s consider this blog entry as a discussion or forum of sorts. Now you might also be thinking, what a 19 year old knows about love. The thing is, I’m writing this and learning at the same time. I’m also trying to figure out if me myself, am currently in love with a girl or just loving a girl (I’m still trying to figure out if there’s a difference). I don’t know shit! I’m writing to figure this love shit out.
What is love? (Baby don’t hurt me)
When you search “definition of” on Google, the first result will be “definition of love”. Now we know that this is a quest that not only I have ventured upon. According to Google, love is a noun or a verb and “an intense feeling of deep affection”. Great, so I love poutine. Every time I eat poutine my mouth waters and it’s an intense feeling of deep affection. Love is one of those things in this world that although there are definitions found in the dictionaries for it, everyone has a different answer. If you were to ask 10 different people on their definition of love, you will probably get 10 different definitions. Not only will you get 10 different definitions, you will get 10 different ranges in emotions and impressions. I think the reason why people have such a hard time defining love is because it’s a feeling that really can’t be expressed through words. This feeling of love can also push you into other feelings. For example, if you loved your former SO, you might hate him/her now due to a fallout. Love is strange because it gets stronger when two people are present in the state of it happening. Although only you can really define what love is, love can be very dependent on another person. Love is something that cannot be defined simply by words, it’s too grand. In my opinion, words represent ideas, and love isn’t an idea, love is a feeling and feelings are experienced in different ways by everybody, therefore love cannot be defined.
Disregarding family and friends I’ve only ever truly loved one person. In high school there was a girl I loved dearly. She never loved me back the same way I loved her but I’m over it, it’s really fine. When you’re young and dumb, love is really selfish. In my case because she never loved me back I became bitter. I thought that I was being such a great friend to her, why couldn’t she develop the emotions I had for her. Although there were moments of resentment, I needed that. I learned that love, attraction, or affection cannot be gained in a manner as if it were a trade. Sometimes people love you back, sometimes they don’t, that’s it. High school was when I was at my most beta. Looking back, I do get embarrassed but it was a learning experience and I’m happy it happened when I was still in high school. In my 19 years of life I have never had an SO. So I don’t think I really understand the feeling of loving someone and having that person love you back in a romantic sense. Maybe one day though I can find love…maybe one day… so do any of you readers happen to be cute and single girls?
If you’re a fan of the blog (yes all 3 of you), you will know that I love nerdy shit. I love my anime, comics, films, television shows, etc, This blog was originally dedicated to talk about nerdy stuff. However, most of you probably did not know that I played high school football. I don’t think I’ve ever loved anything as much as I loved playing football in high school. As much as I loved that girl in high school, I loved high school football even more. When I was in high school I would wake up, go to school, go to football practice, go home and watch NFL network, go to bed, and repeat until the season ended. I would literally dream about football every night. When I was in the shower I was running plays in my head. On the off season all I did was think about football and watch football. In my near 20 years of life I have never thought about anything as much as I did football. By the way, we were pretty good. Let’s just say my high school was and still is a top 10 nationally ranked program. I’ve always said that if I ever loved a girl as much as I did playing football in high school, that girl must be pretty great. Football has given me the highest highs and the lowest lows. When we won our equivalent of a state championship, I cried. When I played my last football game ever I cried. I have never finished playing a season of football without crying. Win or lose, I will shed tears. The day I played my last game is probably the saddest day of my young life. I remember not speaking to anyone for a couple weeks and my dad was very upset at me. He would tell me to get over it because it was just a game. You guys have to understand something. I stayed back another year to play football. At that time in my life, football was not just a game, football was the greatest thing in the world. I made some of my best memories on the field, it’s been two years since I’ve last played and I still think about it everyday. Football made me to be a gentleman, it was my outlet for 5 years of my teenage life. This is a case where football left me as a more humble person, a more mature person. I don’t feel bitter at all about how things ended, not whatsoever. By the way, I’m in university now and I still play university sports, so I’m not washed up just yet.
You see the thing is, I’m trying very hard not to have any affection in a romantic sense with any girl right now. I would like to just focus on me but recently there has been a girl on my mind. It’s like a song plays on the radio and you think of her, or everything anyone says reminds you of an inside joke, you see a picture of her online and you can’t help but have to catch your breath. I hate this. It’s like when I say her name I can’t not smile, when I frown and this girl looks at me, I smile, when she speaks about anything, I smile. What the fuck is this shit. I hate my life, why was I blessed with such a large heart, I don’t think I will ever be able to define love in words but I guess I can explain it the best way I possibly can. For me, love is an experience, it’s a matter of maturation, love is something I try to put in everything I do. Love is something that is natural and can’t be forced. The moment it’s forced is when something becomes unsatisfactory. Love makes everything better. Love makes cooking taste better, it makes friendships and relationships last and stay stronger, it makes art more meaningful. Love in any sense is the core of my being. Isn’t it strange though? Love is all these things but as I just said, it’s the last thing I really want to be in.