Why is dating so hard?

The other night, my girl friend Kat invited me to go to a single’s mixer with her as we are two hot thangs looking for two other hot thangs. Regardless, we both left a bit disappointed. Kat is a good looking lady, I am me – even with that being said, I think that we both left feeling as if the talent on the pitch wasn’t quite up to our standard of competition. I know that I, of all people am saying this, is like “hey Baron, beggars can’t be choosers” but I digress. I think the main takeaway from that night was just how bad some men are at talking to women. Granted, women are just as guilty of being boring. Last night I saw this good looking guy get a girl’s LinkedIn instead of a number, and I saw this other guy talk about his finances and real estate development to this girl he was trying to flirt with. In my old age as a young millennial I have literally walked away from physically attractive women more times than I could count because they bored me. It goes both ways. Also I heard the word rizz used unironically that night which is just so – ew brutha ew.

I wanted to leave the night having a few phone numbers but I straight up just wasn’t into any of the women there. Physically I wasn’t very into it and just the few conversations that I did have with women, I didn’t feel the needle moving. In the past I would often complain about how I am unlucky when it comes to dating and meeting women but after that night, I just kept thinking about what a lot of my friend’s have told me and it’s that I have a “high standard”. Well my friends Morla, Varshaa, and Kristen have said that I have a high standard and Jonny would say that I’m picky. Regardless, it’s not something that I really thought about until that night.

Like maybe, I do have a high standard but I also do realize that I give people the opportunity to impress me. Most times when I get a woman’s attention, I’m just waiting for the woman to prove herself to me that she’s worthy. I know this is such a weird thing to say but I just do not care for people who don’t have a good sense of self. I have a lot of friends who have interesting stories and I enjoy my life, I don’t need someone who doesn’t excite me in my life to be my ride or die. I give every woman I meet the opportunity to surprise me but I just don’t vibe with most of them. I guess there’s a level of charm that’s missing. Or rather they’re just not my type. Maybe I’m just picky, I don’t actually have a high standard. Or am I just so ugly that even these standards are too high for someone like me? Like genuinely, it’s something that I think about quite a bit, not even me trying to find sympathy.

I’m talking like I talk to a lot of women, or that I get many opportunities to be with women, when that also isn’t true. I’ve been in this city for a YEAR and I haven’t been on a single date. I am not a player. I am not someone who attracts women like that. I definitely don’t think that I’m physically attractive enough to walk by a woman and have her be interested in my appearance. Oh my God, am I actually just ugly. I don’t know how to fix that. I already lost the weight, I already work out, I already have a hairstyle and wardrobe that I committed to. I can’t reverse any of this. This was a side bar by the way.

I think that it’s just frustrating when you take all the right steps in dating like self-care, grooming, having hobbies, being funny, and just being a decent human being – and still the results are nothing. All my friends have assured that I’m a good guy, that I’m not ugly, that I’ll find someone soon. However as someone who result driven, the results speak for themselves. And it’s hard to not compare yourself to others because you want to understand why other people are having success yet you aren’t. This is why I’m always interested in hearing about how couples got together in the first place, to see if there’s something that I can do in my life to make myself more attractive and to give myself more opportunities. Shit, I’ve tried singles mixers, speed dating, and even asked for a girl’s number at an Iftar event that my friend invited me to (she gave me her number and never texted back). I think I’m just frustrated. Especially when considering I took the right steps, compared myself to others who have not taken those aforementioned right steps, and have really put myself out there.

The other day, my friend Ryan (who is a nearly objectively handsome man) told me that I should use friends as a reference as that’s how he met his current girlfriend – granted he did have success on the apps. I then had to remind him that I literally went to his apartment warming and asked about his friend – to no avail. So yeah, I’m frustrated and I’m really out of answers. My friend Morla mentioned that I should try volunteering but I don’t know if working at my local soup kitchen is how I want to spend my time or if it’s really the appropriate place to meet a woman. Granted, you’re reading from a guy who went on a date off sitting next to someone on a Greyhound in 2018.

It’s not like I’m looking for a model or a comedienne. I like a fit gal with a pretty face who has strong emotional intelligence. Someone who can read the room and who knows their self worth. If they have those, they are probably also smart. If I were to sum it all up, that’s it. I have no preference for race or height. I don’t think that’s what is considered a high standard, however the more I meet with new people, the more I realize that it’s actually not easy to find. Shit, I would say that a lot of my close friends lack this kind of emotional intelligence and self awareness. Sorry to my friends out there who are just learning about this now.

I have a lot of friends who’ve been single for less time than me but have been having way more success in dating – by success I mean actually going on dates, not necessarily just finding a partner. It’s frustrating to hear about how other people just have so many more opportunities even finding someone who is interested in them to commit a few hours to them. I feel like a hear a lot of friends talk about bad dates when in reality I just feel like they’re just not sure what they’re looking for and placed those insecurities on their dates (not discounting the actual weirdos).

The other day Jonny was talking about his friend who I thought I was more attractive then, physically – and how this guy has opportunities to go on dates and has matched on the apps which are a platform of pure vanity and again, I realized that I am probably just ugly. I got really angry and sad at myself and went for a run, crushed a 5k, then I was angry and sad and tired. All these negative feelings have to do with wondering how other people do so much less than me and find success but I can’t. Generally speaking, I am someone with a lot of confidence in everything that I do. Whether it’s my job, making friends, or my fitness – I have a lot of confidence in the person that I am but when it comes to attracting women, I have 0 confidence. To the point where I often think on how I’ll probably die alone. Not because I have no friends but because my friends will have things that they’d rather do with their SO’s and families and that I would not have anyone to plan my funeral. Dark thoughts, I know – but it’s this proactive thinking that has lead me to any success in life that I’ve achieved thus far.

I also don’t want to end up in in a relationship where the investment of time and not wanting to be alone is the only thing keeping us together. I feel like a lot of the couples that I know are in those relationships and I don’t want that. I need to be interested in the person and not just how they make me feel. I feel like I’m someone who is a little too self-aware, someone who has some emotional intelligence, and that’s why I need these things in someone else. Again, is that a high standard, I don’t think it is. But then again, I’ve rarely ever met other people who are on the same wavelength as me. BUT WHEN I DO – that person is going to make me wish that God existed because of how good life will be. Now that’s a high standard. The more I think about my results the more I believe that I’m ugly, so that’s not good for morale either. Also I said that I have a high emotional level of intelligence, which again is probably me being ignorant, let me have this one.

If you’re reading this and feel any shred of remorse, I’m not asking for sympathy, I don’t want it as my pride will take it as pity. I just wanted to vent because I truly feel so lost in this part of my life. What am I doing wrong? What could I be doing better? What is it that you know that I don’t know. I’ve run out of answers, I’ve run out of next steps. I am also aware that if I keep doing what I’m doing, then I am the problem and that I’m the one stopping myself from meeting anyone. The next logical step for me is either give up (which I’ve come close to many times and have focused on other things) or just keep having this conversation hoping that someone can give me perspective to help me.

I don’t know, what I don’t know. If you have advice I would gladly take it because like the washed athlete I am, I’m always down for coaching. I view this as watching film in a sense. I just don’t know how many weak points I have that are visible that I can work on. Again, don’t feel bad for me, there is nothing to feel bad for. My life is great as I’ve mentioned plenty times before. I like my job, I love my friends, and have fulfilling hobbies. It’s just this one thing that I can’t shake or top. The only thing I’m trying to top are these hoes, know what I’m saying????

As you can tell this is a longer article and I do apologize for just yapping like this. Obviously it’s something that I’ve thought about for a long time.

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