Yes here I am. Still shilling propaganda for Short Kings. Just as some of you spew your vitriol astrology bs or how the gym is your life – I will continue in life to spread the good word of the royal court. I don’t believe that there is anything such as too much Short King talk because 1. we’re everywhere and 2. we have been getting stomped on our entire lives. Metaphorically, we are so stomped on that we are even shorter than we were before. And in this world where we are feuding over representation in the new Lord Of The Rings series, we cannot do enough complimenting of the books and films in their inclusion of Short Kings such as the dwarves and the hobbits. That being said, I will be creating a listicle (sounds like testicle) of the 10 greatest Short Kings that come to mind. Of course, there are more than 10 worthy of this award but these are the 10 that I thought are dominant in life and tower over regular to large sized people.
Rey Mysterio (5’6″/168cm)
Through the 00’s Mysterio has been one of the greatest high flyers and most exciting wrestlers in the WWE. I won’t lie and pretend to you that I watched much WWE in my childhood but my brother absolutely loved him in particular. Sure you have the John Cena’s and the Undertaker’s of the world but when you see a man in a child’s body fly off the top rope to clobber a man twice his size…wow. He did this all while wearing a stuffy leather mask that was anything but Covid friendly. Not only is he amazing but he is one of the major factors in why Lucha Libre is so popular around the world. The other reason, well the next King on this list has also contributed to that as well.
Jack Black (5’6″/168cm)
One of the greatest actors of our generation. I have always considered Jack Black to be the cool uncle in Hollywood. His ability to play the lovable idiot is incredible and the fact that he’s almost always the lead in his films, yet being a Short King is amazing. Whether he’s Dewey Finn, Carl Denham, or Po – the man has done nothing but produce banger after banger. Black has for decades been able to bring life to rather unimpressive characters, being not just a Hollywood underdog, but the world’s underdog. Not only is he an amazing actor but an amazing musician, YouTuber, and comedian. The man has done more for the underdog than anybody else but just remember this, he is a Short King before anything else.
Peter Dinklage as Tyrion Lannister (4’5″/135cm)
What do you get when you combine two Short Kings? One of the greatest performances in the history of television. Have I read the books? Hell no – I don’t read. But Dinklage’s performance as Tyrion makes me think about reading the book and how big is that? Ask your friends who their fave GoT character is and 9/10 Tyrion will come up. He’s the hero of the Blackwater a two time King’s Hand, and is an incredible party companion. If you’re ever in trouble, you want this guy by your side as he can pull anything out of his ass to get you to safety. This man should have died a few times in the story, but he can’t – why? Because his plot armour is too thick thanks to the love from his fans. And Tyrion aside, Dinklage’s performances outside of GoT are amazing too when you consider his roles in Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Misssouri and The Station Agent. GoT? More like GOAT.
Maurice Jones-Drew (5’7″/170cm)
In the lates 00’s to early 2010’s – MJD, was one of the most fun players to ever watch. He would bulldoze over players twice his size and did everything he could do to muscle for an extra yard. Not only that but he could make you miss and run by people while watching his bubble butt jiggling at great speeds (bonk). The man had the upper body of a brick shit house with the lower body of Megan Thee Stallion. Back in high school, I loved MJD because he was exceptional and short. I used to Google prominent short football players all the time and he always came up. He’s an all pro/pro bowl Short King – truly one for the history books.
Angus Young (5’2″/157cm)
Rock ‘n’ Roll royalty. One of the greats of the six string. A man who leaned into his size by wearing a children’s school uniform onstage. AC/DC – one of the greatest selling acts of all time and all their songs sound the same – but who cares? All their songs fucking bang and they’re all lead by sick rifts. We’re talking Back in Black, Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap, Highway to Hell, Hell’s Bells, Thunderstruck, Who Made Who, and You Shook Me All Night Long. These are songs that you rage to, play COD to, put on before football games, and throw money at strippers to. Angus Young is not only the face of AC/DC but one of the faces of rock and roll.
Danny DeVito (4’10″/147cm)
Listen, I’m not even going to list his most notable roles because you should know that Danny DeVito is Hollywood royalty. One of the greatest actors in the history of Hollywood who in every decade has had hit after hit after hit. Whether in film, television, onstage, or animation. The man doesn’t miss. Today I learned that he was a producer on Pulp Fiction as well. You know, that movie that every frat house has a poster of. You know, one of the greatest films in the history of the world – yeah that Pulp Fiction. The man’s career is nearly unrivaled by tall or medium heighted people. You know how many men shrink their entire lives because of their size? Not Danny, instead his legend only grows everyday, as It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia rolls into its 15th season.
Harry Houdini (5’6″/168cm)
This magic man was so good at his job that his last name is known for describing all talented people in his field. Sure you could say his size aided him in his escapades but you cannot say that the man ever let his size detain him from his dreams. One of his earliest acts involved getting handcuffed and detained by police, as a way to demonstrate his skills in escaping. So guess what? Harry Houdini said ACAB. We love a socially woke illusionist, especially in the era where he lived. He made cops look dumb, something that all of us aspire to do once in our lives. His death is shrouded in mystery as many people believe that it was his inability to report his appendicitis causing him pain, some say that his death was conspired by others. Regardless, maybe this Short King became a bit too confident in his abilities. As Short Kings know, our powers are mighty and we need to keep them in check, as we are our own apex predators.
Lil Wayne (5’5″/165cm)
Weezy F Baby and the F is for “faltering in height”. But this doesn’t stop the man from becoming one of the greatest selling hip hop artist of all time. Yes, maybe his discography can be a little spotty. But considering how he’s been rapping professionally since 1995 at the age of 12, being scooped up by Bird Man and Cash Money Records, it’s pretty not bad. You know how talented you gotta be to be successful with Birdman as your boss, fucking Birdman, dude! And yes, the man has had some controversy in his life but all things considered, he’s had an all time career. A career that many rap greats would consider top 5 all time. Also, his hold on people in the late 00’s and early 2010’s was crazy. So many people had Lollipop and A Milli as their ringtone in that time. Shit, I know that I joined a few grind lines back in the eight grade thanks to this man. Thank you for the boners Lil Wayne!
George Shrinks (3″/7.6cm)
This boy had a dream once that he shrank and he woke up being 3 inches tall. Some of us want our dreams to come true but are disappointed when they don’t come true, Shrinks’ dream did come true but it turned out to be a nightmare. In the book he returns to normal size in a day but in the tv series he doesn’t grow back even after 3 seasons. THREE FUCKING SEASONS. In that time not only does he show a positive attitude but he also displays tremendous ambition and initiative in creating his own public transport system in his home. He fights off ants, creates a car with his dad that transforms into a plane and a submarine, and can navigate a snowstorm for his girlfriend. This guy is pretty much da Vinci. Imagine this though, your girl and your lil bro are taller than you? Some Short Kings would hate the idea of that, but not George Shrinks. Sure he is small in stature but no one’s got a bigger heart.
Got any other suggestions for Short Kings? Drop them in the comments and tell us who you got!