Gentlemen, our time has come. 2023 has arrived and I believe that it is our time to shine. We will put hundreds of years of body shaming behind us as we will now embark on a world stage of our revolution. Too long have women been the only group of people that could take advantage of the use of the body positivity movement, we are claiming this now. We’ve suffered long enough. We’re not talking about astrology, we’re not talking about Chinese Zodiacs – what I’m talking about is lower to the ground – I’m talking about us. I’m thinking that 2023 is the Year of the Short King.
Now what makes this year so special? What makes 2023 the year? To be honest, I don’t know I guess it’s just a gut feeling. It’s like the painful feeling I get in my bad knee that signifies that it’s getting cold out. It’s like when you make eye contact with an attractive woman and your brain convinces you that she’s into you. It’s a gut feeling, a feeling that I, a Short King feel in the air. Maybe I’m speaking this into existence but I feel like women are nowadays more open to shorter men, I feel like being shorter is actually great for riding in planes, which we do now as a society since we’ve decided that COVID isn’t a thing anymore. Being a smaller person probably also means that you’re consuming less and leaving a smaller carbon footprint. I truly believe that this is our year.
And perhaps this is just me believing that maybe a little luck is going to come my way this year. But I do believe that everybody eats. Tall guys are everywhere, just look up and you’ll see one. But what do they provide? Being able to reach tall places? How about a man who stays grounded, down to Earth, humbled. In this age of gaudy social media influencers, we need more humble Short Kings to take the reigns and lead the next generation. You know who is tall? Andrew Tate – he just got arrested for human trafficking (allegedly). You know who’s also tall? Logan Paul – he scammed a bunch of people with his shit coin. Ain’t no Jack Black looking dudes committing international crime or stealing from their followers. Tall men have wasted their shot, it is our time to rise.
So my Short Kings, this year we talk to that girl who is taller than us. This year, we don’t let our bosses look down at us unless it’s physically them looking down on us. This year we reach – we reach for that shit like the top shelf. We reach for it like how we used to lie about our heights on online dating profiles. We are vertically challenged, we have overcome the obstacle, and we will rise above any tomfoolery. 2023 is our year. You have all been put on notice. Watch out – we might even get a Short King in office one day.