The Saltburn Review

I watched Saltburn the other day. It’s currently nominated for every award and is famous for having the dynamic trio of Jacob Elordi, Barry Keoghan, and Barry Keoghan’s penis (good for him). I enjoyed it, I think it’s a good film but maybe a little overhyped. It reminds me of Parasite – one of my all time favourite films from the past few years. Except Parasite is incredible and I would say that Saltburn is just good. But if you come at the film with my perspective you would have noticed that the crux of the film is not based on class struggle, envy, or transactional relationships but more so it’s about guys being dudes.

I’m sure that some of you guys were shocked to see a penis onscreen. Me though? Never. I’ve seen plenty of real dicks in my life. I was an athlete for much of my life. I have spent so much time in locker rooms, I speak locker room talk like it’s just another language. Oh you think you’ve seen a lot of dicks, not as many as me. I had a teammate who has a huge wiener and when all my other teammates saw it, we never forgot. We still call him the Hebrew Hammer to this day. Not just dicks, but balls. I have another buddy with some big meaty clackers. Just some dangling mofo’s. No one thinks about penises as much as guys being dudes.

That aside, every guy being a dude has thought about sexual relationships with their guy friends’ sister. I have guy friends who has disallowed even asking how their sister(s) are doing, that’s how sensitive some guys are about it. It’s taboo – a lot of us don’t do it. I never have because I’m loyal and not because I can’t. I assure you that if I wanted to, I could have – on multiple occasions. I’m just that guy being a dude.

And lastly, guys being besties with their guy friends’ parents and going to their vacation homes is classic guys being dudes. Once you realize that dads are also guys being dudes and the above points apply to them as well, it’s easy. Yes me and my friends’ parents are on a first name basis. If anything this film just appropriated and exploited the concept of guys being dudes. And to be frank, as such guy being such dude – it’s a bit disgusting.

I promise next week will be something less crass.

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