For the past two years, along with becoming the scion of physical fitness and having a tight tight bod, I have also become an incredibly handsome man. But by the standards of society, what makes a physically attractive man? Being in good shape, having a nice sense of style, walking with good posture – yeah all those things make sense to me. However, the key to any man’s look is the haircut. I love a good haircut. Every man in the world who cares about their appearance has a barber that they swear by. I’m not going to lie, I think that without trying, in street clothes, being casual I can easily be a 7+, but when I get that haircut I feel like an 8.5 to a 9. I feel fucking great when I get the right haircut. But since the pandemic started, my former hairdresser quit and I’ve been on the quest for a new haircutter. The pandemic started over two years a go and I’m still on the hunt. I thought that I found somebody who did a good job, until I visited him for a third time this past weekend.
Here is what I used to look like, a week before getting cut.
Excuse the peace sign, as an insecure straight man, I only feel shame for taking a real selfie so the peace sign makes it feel ironic. This picture is also currently my Discord profile pic as I mistakenly deleted my old one. Anyways, as you can see from the older pic, I had this Prince Charming quality going on. I looked happy, handsome, and full of life. I truly looked like a young decent man, who every dad would love to have date their daughter (unless they’re racist). Shit, maybe the dad wants to fuck me too – I watched one season of Euphoria, I know what can happen in the real world. And no, I will not take a pic and show what I currently look like, as I’m not trying to be photographed too often. Now I look like Naruto in Boruto, I look awful. I even sent the picture of me with the haircut to a woman I know and she sent me this which I screenshotted:
Did it feel bad? Absolutely, my Prince Charming good looks, gone and dusted into the wind. Another coworker of mine who is a young woman looked at me and I could tell what she was thinking. She thought yikes, deservingly so. I just said it out loud, “you’re looking at my awful haircut aren’t you?” My mother showed her support for the new cut, just as well as any mother could but I told her that she should be more upset. You want grandchildren? Because this is not how you’re going to get grandchildren. If I could just turn back time and just have been more direct with my instructions, I would have. If I could have just been a little quicker to tell him, not too much off the top, I would not have to go through the mental anguish that I’m going through now.
And it hurts that nearly every woman I’ve seen has said the same thing “It doesn’t look that bad.” What does that mean? So it looks bad, but it doesn’t look as bad as you thought it would. I’ve also had every single person tell me that my old style, pre-cut was better than what I have now. I think that I’m just going to put a lid on for the entire month because I don’t want to walk around looking like crap. What if I meet the women of my dreams this next month and she’s into me, my hobbies, my sense of style, and personality – but it’s the shitty haircut that she doesn’t like. Can I sue the barber for that? At this point, I’m just going to keep a photo of Jungkook or Levi Ackerman on my phone as a reference – actually I already have those pics on my phone because I’m weaboo/kpop loving trash.
With my current haircut, I look like my name is Tony Nguyen, who has earrings, a dragon tattoo on one arm, who drives a WRX, and has a big vape rig (no disrespect tho). I look like I should be squatting on the side of the curb with a lit cigarette between my fingers. I look like someone who uses homophonic and misogynistic slurs when something bad happens to them. I look like someone who grinds on girls at clubs without their consent. I look like I go to the gym a lot but only lift upper body. I look like I only date Asian women who have pink streaks in their hair. I look like I can’t find the clit. I look like I think bunkbeds with the bros is a good idea. I look like I listen to Chris Brown.
I look like I don’t know what the difference is between a suit and a tuxedo. I look like I don’t respect my mom. I look like I have an unframed Scarface poster up in my room. I look like I had a DJ phase. I look like someone who only eats the filling in tacos. I look like I breathe through my mouth. I look like the guy who complains about being in the friendzone. I look like Andrew Tate is my idol. I look like I wear white Converse to everything. I look like I was really good at sports in high school but that was it. I look like a COD lobby. I look like every straight girl’s “I can’t believe I fucked him”. I look like I take Snapchat stories everyday. I look like how a grade eight locker room smells with all the axe body spray. I look like I’m 5’9″. I look like when you’re having a nice conversation with someone and then they bring up something sad, so now the convo is awkward because of a dead relative being brought up.
I look like I put stickers on my shitty car. I look like I paid $300 for bottles at the club and gave it away to people I don’t know. I look like the phrase “It’s lit!” being said unironically. I look like Microsoft Edge. I look like sleeping on a mattress on the floor. I look like Air Jordan’s that Michael Jordan never wore. I look like I don’t tip the person who delivers food to my door. I look like when you eat out at a restaurant and you’re really full and the waiter asks if you want to take the meal home, but you’re so full and you say no, but then the next day you’re hungry and regret not taking the leftovers home.
Ok I think that’s it for now. The point is that I look bad.
I used to be handsome and funny. At the very most right now, I’m one of those things.
1 thought on “The Barber Did Me Dirty”
This was very funny. I’m so sorry for your loss Baron.