sHorT kInG

I stand at a tall 5’6. I say this because I feel like a lot of people always assume I’m a lot taller when I tell them that I am the height that I am. That’s why I don’t think that I’m a basic ass 5’6. Yes can you read the cope. It also helps that I’m built like a brick shit house and instead of growing up, I have spent nearly all of my life growing out. Now if I could rub a genie out and was given 3 wishes, with no ability to wish for money or more wishes, than the wish without a doubt would be to get taller. As comfortable as I am with my height, as much success I’ve had in sports at my height, as big of a presence I’ve been able to have at my height, I would still want to be taller. I can acknowledge that my athletic prowess, my work ethic, and that my personality is a byproduct of my insecurities but alas, I would look better in clothes, have more success in sports, and probably have more success socially if I were taller. With that being said with my pride intact, stop using the term Short King.

I used to use it as a reclaiming of the word. Like when women call themselves bitches (I love a bad bitch, a domi mommy, a She.E.O) but I don’t need to hear y’all saying that term. I have never heard someone else say it without a hint of sarcasm. Yes I realize that the replies are just going to be people calling me that term but I’ll say it, it’s derogatory and to be honest, I don’t like it. It hurts my ego. There’s nothing wrong with being short but as a vertically challenged man, I don’t sense any truthfulness to your words. When I was good at sports and people noted that to me, while acknowledging my height relative to my competition, yeah that was cool. I used to have coaches of other teams come up to me after games commending me on how well I was doing, in spite of my size. I was truly a little giant but now in the adult world of circling back and Excel spreadsheets, you guys need to stop saying that term.

As someone tethered to the Earth better than most men, I know in my heart that I do not need to hear someone call me a short king anymore. I know being taller is cooler OK, you don’t have to tell me. It’s like when I mention to people how dating apps don’t work for me because I’m a shorter man and then my friends ok “Oh yeah my buddy is short, just like you but he has a girlfriend” OK don’t patronize me. I may be a small man but my spirit is large. I do not want to be compared to other short men who have also been robbed the privilege buying pants that fit off the rack. One time I had some pants hemmed at Uniqlo and the guy was excited because he never had to cut off so much fabric before. Not all short men are the same, if you know me – I am like no other, I am Baron.

So that’s it, that’s the blog for today. Sorry for getting so serious, I know I probably frightened you. Now back to the regularly scheduled content of comedy and dick jokes. Guy being dudes, you know?

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