Insufferable Insomnia

Introduction

I am an average person. I have problems similar to everyone. I worry about being lonely all my life, I worry about failing in school, and I worry about what my future holds. I just want to clear up that this post is in no way me trying to be a unique little snowflake. This is me justifying my relativity to everybody else, I really am average. The moments before I fall asleep are the hardest part of my day. I have a hard time drifting to bed because I’m constantly thinking about these things. It’s 4:26 AM as I write this and I just tried listening to a sleep hypnotherapy track, however I got too impatient and decided to ditch it. In this post, we’re not going to solve anything, it’s just going to be a little discussion. Insomnia is probably the worst part of my night, let’s try to capitalize on it.

It Catches Up To Me

I think it’s safe to say that everybody has different versions of themselves that they present to different people/in different situations. When I’m around others I’m usually a positive, carefree person. And it’s not an act. I generally just am that naturally when I’m around others, I’m not necessarily hiding anything. However when I’m alone, by myself I stress a lot more than I should. I actually think myself into holes and worry about things I should not worry about, to the point where I get really sad. I’m also not suffering from depression (I think). I don’t have some self diagnosed form of depression, I’m not giving myself an excuse to why I’m sad, sometimes I’m just sad. Those moments, right before I fall asleep, those are the moments in my 24 hours a day, that I dread more than anything. Those are the moments where I start to doubt myself, that the worries start to build up, where my confidence starts to crumple up. All the things that I told myself are fine, are not fine. You see, it’s because in those moments I do not have any distractions that divert myself from thinking too much. For instance, I get a girl’s number, I text her, she tells me she has a boyfriend. At the time, I’m fine but when the night hits, when I’m in bed, alone with my thoughts, self doubt also starts finding a way into my bed. Eventually self doubt starts beating up my confidence, and after that I’m in bed with nothing but self doubt. Suddenly I’m thinking that, of course she’s seeing somebody, why would anyone like that want to go out with me? This feeling really cripples me. It’s the one obstacle I have yet to beat.
The worst part? It’s all in my head. It is nearly impossible to wade off self doubt. How does one make an effort in stopping the mind from thinking, when the act of doing so is an act of thinking. This is a question I started asking myself when I was eight. How do I stop thinking and just exist. The act of not doing, is an act itself so you’re basically fucked. Then I remind myself of how much life sucks and how vast the universe is and how small I am, then I start thinking about death and that freaks me out more than anything. It’s like the brain won’t stop thinking up new ways to scare me and I start thinking that it’s no one’s fault but my own, so how do I stop it? How do I come to terms with my confusion, loneliness, and stress? It’s impossible to bury all of it but I have found that somethings help.

What Can Help

I think the number one thing you can do for yourself is to remind yourself that none of this is your actual doing. Comes to terms with that and you’ll realize that most of these problems are made in your head and that you’ll get over them because you created these problems yourself, so shouldn’t you have an answer? Secondly, you’re giving yourselves all these problems but that’s not a bad thing. A lot of problems are subsidiaries of good things you’re trying to maintain in life. Stressed about school? Well guess what – that stress with school is a subsidiary of you being able to go to school and benefit your future. Stressed about what may happen in the future? Well that is a subsidiary of you knowing that there will be at least a tomorrow, another chance to succeed. Stressed about girls? Well shit I can’t help you with that, I’m just a sad and lonely motherfucker (I’ve gone 0 and 5, this school year with asking girls on dates, apparently they’re all “seeing someone”), Thirdly, read this blog and understand that it’s not all that bad and that you’re not the only one with this problem. I mean, I fucking listened to a fifty minute hypnosis track to try and fall asleep and it didn’t work, I’m a lot more pathetic than you are, so just relax, you’ll be fine. And finally, realize that all worrying does is cause more worrying. It’s literally the worst thing you can do. If you’re flustered about a math equation, you’re going to have a hard time answering it right? Worry only causes you to lose your blue head. Worrying takes away your critical thinking process, remember that.

Conclusion

So you read that whole thing and you’re still stressed? Well fuck, go jerk off or something, same if you’re a girl, go masturbate or something. I don’t know man, I don’t have all the answers. As Musashi Miyamoto said, all the answers are in you, you’re not going to get it from outside, you might find inspiration but you’re not going to improve solely through third party resources.So take my blog as a form of inspiration to find it in yourself to have a great night’s sleep. But who knows, maybe I’m just a fuccboi and you shouldn’t listen to me. I probably am a piece of shit so you might want to take my words with caution. Maybe I just really want everyone to masturbate. Have you ever realized how convenient masturbation is? It’s fucking free and you can do it whenever you find that you have time to. Cheers.

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