I’m not in good shape

This is probably my most depressing post ever and might come off as melodramatic but I just really had to get this off my chest

Recently, I’ve had my heartbroken. To summarize the story, I have a good female friend who had a boyfriend, then she didn’t, then the gears in my head started turning, and now I think I held off on saying how I felt to her for too long because I’m pretty sure she’s seeing another guy or at least talking to some other guy. This isn’t to say that she would have reciprocated if I did say something but that I lost out on an opportunity. And the reason why I didn’t say something sooner is because I didn’t want to like my good friend as more than a good friend. I held off because I tried to convince myself that I did not feel how I inevitably felt about her. I think it’s really easy to bash this guy or say that he isn’t shit or that she lost out on me but knowing this girl and how amazing she is, this dude’s probably pretty cool.

Now, I’ve done a lot of thinking about this scenario. Why else would I be awake at 6 am writing about this situation, and trust me, this is not the first time I’ve been up not getting any sleep because I’ve been stressing over this situation. I just want to make this clear, I think this problem is bullshit. I’m one of the most privileged people on Earth; I’m young, I’m a male, I live in a developed country, and have many opportunities. I hate that I have all those privileges and that I’m stressing over something that is so minuscule compared to the rest of the problems people have on a daily basis. I also hate that I’ve considered myself a depressed person because I’m probably actually not because people who are actually depressed go through Hell to live their lives. But this situation has put me in rough shape, to the point where it makes me such a bitter and cold person towards everybody I know and say it with me now, I hate myself for it.

Truth be told, I think that the worst part about this is that it culminates into my history of falling for women that do not reciprocate how I feel about them. I’ve developed this relation between love and suffering that prevents me from catching feelings with anyone. I hold off on getting close to people, to telling people my actual secrets, and spending a long amount of time with any girl. If I’m being completely transparent right now, I realized this when I was in high school but with this recurring pattern of how I view dating and relationships and my failures in that field, I’m probably going to be alone for the rest of my life. Again, I know this is going to be very melodramatic but I have a hard time truly relating to people. If you’ve ever watched Mr Robot, you’ve seen how Elliott speaks to himself in his head, well that’s how I speak to myself in my head. Even when I’m not stressed with a girl, I’m thinking about something else – hence why I have this blog. A lot of people want to start blogs but they can’t. It’s hard to start a blog and write what you feel when you don’t understand how you honestly feel about yourself. Writing a personal blog like this is a demonstration of your relationship with yourself. Not many people have a good enough relationship with themselves to write in the style that I write.

As seen in my posts, I want to believe in love. I have been a fan and advocate for so many narratives about love and about the honest guy getting the girl at the end of the story that I can’t help but strive for that, I can’t help but want that in my life so dearly. But in reality, that’s fiction and I live in the real world where shit always hits the fan. I really hate myself right now. I’ve also realized that I have to stop writing poetry. I can’t do it anymore, I noticed that I’ve been writing this poetry hoping that the girl I have been writing about would read it but in reality, she doesn’t give a care that I even run a blog so it’s actually toxic for me to write it. I love poetry, it’s become one of my favourite hobbies but until I can feel strongly about something other than an intimate form of love, I have to stop writing poetry.

I know this post is kind of a shit post and not very good for anyone else but me but I just had to get this off my chest. If you’re reading this as a friend, don’t talk to me about it in real life, don’t ask me how this situation is going, everything you need to know about how I feel is in this post. At the very most, just let me know you’ve read this and I can come talk to you. If I feel like talking about it, I’ll come to you. For now, I’m probably going to just start being a fuccboi and repressing any feelings of intimate love I have for anybody because I don’t need it right now. Things will probably get better eventually but I’m just going to take things one day at a time. Thank you for reading up until this point, I really appreciate you.

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