I’m Not A Broken Man, But I Want To Be

When we think about the coolest men in the world, who do we think of? Maybe Hugh Jackman as Wolverine, Frank Sinatra, or Leo DiCaprio – to name a few. Why are those men, who are known for being a bit toxic and not always great role models, loved by so many? Perhaps it’s because not only women are attracted to bad boys, but men too. When I think about my favourite western artists, they’re all broken men. I listen to Future as if I have toxic relationships with women, as if I have a drug problem, and that I have the insecure need to flaunt my wealth in front of strangers. I didn’t even know what dirty sprite was until I looked it up on Urban Dictionary. Realistically, I am a Chinese kid, born in Hong Kong, raised in the suburbs of Canada. I have a corporate 9-5 job and I’m afraid to do drugs because I know that I’d like them too much. I am a soft boy. Yet, why is it that I try so hard to be a bad one?

Now don’t get me wrong, I think that I’m kind of cool. At the very least I can be somewhat funny and I have a decent sense of style. That being said, I’m just another dude. But it’s the individuality of a guy like The Weeknd who makes me feel like “I want to be that.” And it’s not a good thing. I know that my lifestyle is a lot more sustainable for me than for individuals like him, but I crave that. I want to smoke cigarettes after leaving a woman’s home at night. Leaving her as she’s asleep because I can’t embrace the conflict of hearing her tell me about how non-committal I am. I’m not that – but maybe I could be?

Ultimately though, I am a very open and vulnerable person. I don’t mind telling people about my issues in life and I tend to overshare because I think that it makes for good stories and conversation. But I am aware that I don’t believe it when women say that they wish men were more effeminate or sensitive. I think that women like when men are like that because it’s in contrast to men acting like men. For instance, a bright sun seems amazing when the skies are always grey. Dessert always tastes great after a meal, in contrast to a filling and savory meal. I feel like my level of vulnerability and openness in discussing my weaknesses with others is ultimately a weakness when it comes to meeting and talking to women. Of course, it’s not always women that rule this thought but they do play a big role. And perhaps that’s why I want to be like the men mentioned in the first paragraph.

I think that being a broken man and having these issues though, it allows for me to make an excuse for why I’m shitty. If I’m a hurt person, I can use it as a scapegoat for treating others poorly, for making poor decisions. It’s like I’m blaming something out of my control. My mental health made me do it. Childhood trauma made me do it. My heart was broken and I can never trust or love again. I’m not an idiot, I know that romanticizing these men isn’t going to really help me. Spike Spiegel is ultimately a man whose fate is decided even before the first episode of Cowboy Bebop because he gave up on improving his life – he’d rather blame his past for any future mistakes. But it’s fun right. The idea that you can blame something else for any future mistakes and not just that but feel good about these mistakes because you can spin it and make it seem like it’s a fun and unique attribute of yours.

But maybe when Future raps about his problems in life, when Drake sings about a tumultuous relationship – that is them being vulnerable. That is them telling the world that they’re flawed and that they get insecure, regardless of their successes. Perhaps they drown themselves in inconsistent relationships with women, drugs, and a lavish lifestyle because they’re broken – not the other way around. Could it be that they’re coping. Ah yes, a relatable millionaire – that’s what we all love to see. And maybe this blog is very much my own version of What A Time To Be Alive. Is my blog as good as WATTBA?? I will probably never be as cool as my heroes. I will probably never have the problems that incredibly wealthy and successful men have. But one thing that I am not, right now anyways, is that I’m not broken.

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