I Hate This Game

I am quite disciplined in life. I don’t drink, I don’t smoke, I don’t do drugs. My diet is fairly clean and I pride myself on my ability to stay fit even when I don’t want to. I’m not too insecure enough that when someone says something demeaning to me I react. But above all else I am very confident of myself and my capabilities – whether that be in things that I am good or bad at. However this fucking game…ouuuuu, this game takes everything out of me.

Perhaps it’s because I am bad at this game but damn, this game brings the worst out of me. Like when I play a bad game I’m out here punching the air. The game although has changed at the microlevel, has been the same game at the macrolevel since its inception in like 2011 or whatever. The graphics are whatever, the lore is whatever, and the client it runs on is bad. But I can’t get away. I have an abusive relationship with this game and I just can’t get away.

And this userbase is just…the most toxic community I have ever been a part of. I have a good life outside of this game BUT THIS GAME IS ALL I THINK ABOUT SOMETIMES. If people spoke with each other in real life like they did in this game our society would fall apart. If everyone in the real world had the same accountability as the players of this game, again our society would crumble. No one in this game ever admits that they’re playing poorly. They just blame others even if they’re horrible themselves.

I keep coming back though. It’s like a drug. You know it’s bad for you when the more you play, the less satisfying the wins feel. The wins provide such a diminishing return in satisfaction but I can’t stop. And I try to tell myself that maybe I can get better. I ask myself what am I doing wrong, it’s my fault I suck at this game right? Or perhaps, it’s not my fault. Perhaps it’s the other players in this game that drag me down. Perhaps the rank that I actually am, does not reflect my actual skill level . . .

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