I Am The World’s Least Threatening Man

For my entire life, I have been the least intimidating person ever. In a room full of grown people, I can pretty much guarantee you that I am probably the last person who’s going to start any fight. I am small in nature, I look the way that I look, and I am hard to provoke any extreme emotion out of. I am a real optimist and a people pleaser. I always try my best to make people happy. I don’t know even know how to start conflict with others if I wanted to. And regarding conflict, some people have fight or flight – I have flight or nice. For instance, imagine this classic scene at the bar. Two men bump into each other at the club, suddenly they have a Chad Off.

“Hey why don’t you watch where you’re going!” – Thad

“Watch where I’m going? It looks like you’re the one who needs glasses” – Brad

Now pause. Thad and Brad proceed to circle each other as if they’re about to fight but in reality both are too afraid to throw the first punch. So they just wait until some friends tell them to leave each other alone or until security blows it up. Me on the other hand, I have flight or nice, meaning that either I get away from the situation or I am just incredibly warm and sweet. Whenever I end up in a similar situation, my 155lbs, 5’7″ ass looks up at the guy with a cute smile, my eyes get really big, and I tell him sorry. I disarm his attitude right away. I have seen so many macho dudes get angry and just mellow out right away the moment I hit them with this patented Baron move. I also believe that for a man, I’m somewhat cute. My diminutive nature, Prince Charming looks, and friendly smile – lead other men into believing “Oh he’s like a puppy dog, he’s totally innocent”.

All this to say, I am pretty sure this is why boyfriends love me. Boyfriends love me because they know that I will not try to sleep with their girlfriend. Boyfriends love me because I am not a threat to them, sexually. Emotionally, OK maybe, but sexually – I’m about as non-threatening as they get. Let me be perfectly candid, my sex drive hardly exists unless provoked, and if a woman did provoke me during a movie or while watching television – if the movie or show is good – I’ll probably want to finish the show. Shit, if it’s actually a good movie, I might cry at the end of it – I cry watching movies way too often. I’m in touch with my emotions, OK? One time, a girl asked me on a date via the DM’s and I asked her why? Like I couldn’t even wrap my mind around her intentions of finding me attractive. But like I said, I’m just like not someone who could be provoked easily, in any manner – with sex, anger, or sadness (the three main emotions?).

Even kids pick on me. I remember one year I volunteered at the children’s hospital as Santa Claus (back in my fat days) and this little girl didn’t want to approach me. She said that I wasn’t Santa, I assume that she didn’t believe in Chinese Santa. When in reality, she turns to her dad and tells him

“That’s not Santa, he’s not tall enough”‘

I was shook. I couldn’t believe that even this little white girl who was half my height would go after me like this. I had enough adults making fun of my height, now I have little girls telling me that I’m too short too. If I saw me as Santa, the first thing I would notice is how Santa is Chinese, not his height – but I digress. The point is that I am such a non-threat that even kids feel like they can trample over me. Children and I should get along better, especially considering how I am pretty much child sized and that I am a grown man child. I just want to eat, sleep, and play games – that’s me as a 27 year-old.

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