Let me set the stage for you. I’m driving home from my weekend job at 10 pm on Sunday and I start work again tomorrow morning at 9. I’m thinking about how I work seven days a week and that the time I do have off, I take it to just hangout on my own. I live with my parents and with my current 9-5 being a WFH position, I don’t need to move out or leave because I can save money this way. But because I don’t have my own place, I don’t want to get a girlfriend and I’m not willing to invite others over to my parent’s house. Because I’m by myself so often, I end up having forecasting conversations in my head as I can usually schedule my social interactions with people as they don’t happen very often. I run every other day, on the days I don’t run I do a home workout, I play video games every night, I work everyday – and I’m not really affiliated with anything or anybody. If I just disappeared from the world, realistically besides the few people at work and my parents, no one would really notice (this is not me alluding to anything controversial, just stating a thought). In my nearly 26 years of life – I have never been as lonely as I am now.
When I was growing up, I was always involved with something. Whether that be a sports team, the theatre, or something to do with school – I always felt like I was part of something bigger than myself. Having graduated and living in my current situation, I don’t have those things. I do feel like at this point, it’s like I’m not really existing outside of my bubble. I feel like Schrodinger’s cat in the sense that I only exist/am alive for other people if they’re in the same vicinity as me. And because I don’t feel like I exist to other people, I gaslight myself about my own existence. And to go back to belonging to something – I think what I realized in my teen years was that I always wanted to be a part of something bigger than myself. I always want to contribute positively to a culture, a community, and a lifestyle. Right now, that’s not the case. What I’m equating this loneliness to is not so much not being in a relationship or not having friends, but rather by purpose and identity, not being attached to anything.
Spiritually it feels like I’m a free agent right now. I work a temporary full time position from home. I live with my parents for now, but I don’t plan on doing so for very long. I also don’t know when the opportunity would come where I could commit to moving somewhere else without a job that requires a commute. I’m not the type to compare myself to others – we all run our own race, but when I log on to social media and I see friends getting married, or moving to new cities for new opportunities, or even buying a home I think “Damn, I’m like really the only person still in the damn loading screen”. Like, I feel like there should be more people I know who are like me. People who aren’t making the move right now but are working towards it. Where are those people?
Is is so strange that I just don’t belong to anything right now? That my purpose and identity is kind of just in limbo? I suppose the logical thing would be to create a purpose for myself. However I will not be dating, as dating as a means to create purpose for yourself or to make up for a loneliness in your life will only cause more problems. I don’t know what the purpose I’m searching for is, but I think that me acknowledging it makes for a great first step, because otherwise I would feel like every slow Drake song. Which is what I listen to when I feel emo driving home on Sunday nights.
2 thoughts on “I Am Lonely”
Have you considered volunteering? It might not be the 'purpose' you're looking for, but it could give you that feeling of community you miss from your extracurriculars. And if you don't get something positive out of it, there's no consequence to quitting a volunteer position haha.
This is a good idea and I'm surprised that I haven't already thought about it 😅