Let me set the stage for you. I’m driving home from my weekend job at 10 pm on Sunday and I start work again tomorrow morning at 9. I’m thinking about how I work seven days a week and that the time I do have off, I take it to just hangout on my own. I live with my parents and with my current 9-5 being a WFH position, I don’t need to move out or leave because I can save money this way. But because I don’t have my own place, I don’t want to get a girlfriend and I’m not willing to invite others over to my parent’s house. Because I’m by myself so often, I end up having forecasting conversations in my head as I can usually schedule my social interactions with people as they don’t happen very often. I run every other day, on the days I don’t run I do a home workout, I play video games every night, I work everyday – and I’m not really affiliated with anything or anybody. If I just disappeared from the world, realistically besides the few people at work and my parents, no one would really notice (this is not me alluding to anything controversial, just stating a thought). In my nearly 26 years of life – I have never been as lonely as I am now.
When I was growing up, I was always involved with something. Whether that be a sports team, the theatre, or something to do with school – I always felt like I was part of something bigger than myself. Having graduated and living in my current situation, I don’t have those things. I do feel like at this point, it’s like I’m not really existing outside of my bubble. I feel like Schrodinger’s cat in the sense that I only exist/am alive for other people if they’re in the same vicinity as me. And because I don’t feel like I exist to other people, I gaslight myself about my own existence. And to go back to belonging to something – I think what I realized in my teen years was that I always wanted to be a part of something bigger than myself. I always want to contribute positively to a culture, a community, and a lifestyle. Right now, that’s not the case. What I’m equating this loneliness to is not so much not being in a relationship or not having friends, but rather by purpose and identity, not being attached to anything.
Spiritually it feels like I’m a free agent right now. I work a temporary full time position from home. I live with my parents for now, but I don’t plan on doing so for very long. I also don’t know when the opportunity would come where I could commit to moving somewhere else without a job that requires a commute. I’m not the type to compare myself to others – we all run our own race, but when I log on to social media and I see friends getting married, or moving to new cities for new opportunities, or even buying a home I think “Damn, I’m like really the only person still in the damn loading screen”. Like, I feel like there should be more people I know who are like me. People who aren’t making the move right now but are working towards it. Where are those people?
Is is so strange that I just don’t belong to anything right now? That my purpose and identity is kind of just in limbo? I suppose the logical thing would be to create a purpose for myself. However I will not be dating, as dating as a means to create purpose for yourself or to make up for a loneliness in your life will only cause more problems. I don’t know what the purpose I’m searching for is, but I think that me acknowledging it makes for a great first step, because otherwise I would feel like every slow Drake song. Which is what I listen to when I feel emo driving home on Sunday nights.