I am a loser

It’s currently 1:49 am, March 14, 2023. I have been unemployed for 5 days and I hate my life. I made a somewhat big deal of me leaving my job – I wrote about it in a past blog but I am stressed out of my mind. If you’re my friend you would know that at the point of being employed, my job was a big part of my identity. Whether I liked it (I did) or not, my friends knew that working was a big part of how I personified myself. People at my old company would often say that I was a workaholic, even though they were working on the same stuff as me. I guess that when you’re the type of guy to bring your work computer to dinner with friends and family and call in from vacation that’s what happens. You know what’s funny? One time as I was standing in line getting onto a train to take me to the airport on vacation, I had my laptop out doing some finance related tasks for my work. I hate to admit it, but I like working.

This article isn’t shaming those who are unemployed. This is really just me talking about me – I’m a narcissist, what did you expect? But I digress. Ultimately I left because I wasn’t satisfied and I wanted more. At the time, people were supportive and most people told me that I was making the right decision. But it doesn’t seem that obvious to me. I am stressed as Hell that I’m not working. The thoughts creep into my head and I think “Ah frig, you goofed. You’re probably not even that good – you’re never going to work in the industry again.” Maybe that’s hyperbolic – maybe I’m just letting the insecurities and my imagination take their reigns on my consciousness. But I can’t think any other way.

As I went through rejection emails, interviews, and all that stuff without being employed I couldn’t help but feel like maybe I made the wrong decision. That maybe I should have played it safe and just kept working on my craft until something better came up. I mean, the people were good and for the most part – the company treated employees well enough. The truth is that I was killing myself doing the same redundant tasks day after day. I would wake up and think about what I would have to fix. I was tired of being the same with no sign of advancement in sight. But when I think about the positive things that have happened, there are more of those than negative ones.

When you hold yourself to a standard, when you feel the weight of investment in you by others paid in trust and respect – your failures and setbacks are magnified. When the standard is to be more than competent, then being competent no longer feels right. It just feels like it is. So the expectation grows and at times it feels like the goal posts are being pushed back. Which creates the expectation that you will never catch up as expectations are always being shifted. I don’t even know what I’m talking about – maybe this is just a load of bull.

All this to say that maybe this fear is a good thing. That me quitting could be a good thing as it pushes me to do more, to work harder, to find what’s out there. Because when I really look back at it, I am competent. I am a good coworker, I am reliable, and I do care and enjoy the work. With all those things said no matter how long it takes, I know I’ll be where I want to be because I’m doing it the best way I can do it for me. Did I let my pride and ambition get the best of me or will things smooth itself out because I tried. Or am I just saying all these things to seem noble, to let my bias drive the bus on my narrative, just to make myself feel a little better. Regardless, I will always bet on myself because at the end of the day I am me. I will always work things out, as I always have.

And as I finish this article, it’s May 17, 2023 at 10:26 am. All these feelings are real, and this triggering self-fantasized narrative is motiving me. It’s worked and it is continuing to work as I write this article over a 2 month span – a single stream of consciousness, that has taken me down the right path. As of today, I’m employed again. I’m back.

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