I work a grown up job but often times, I don’t recall anything about being a grown up. I have grown up rent, I have grown up bills, and I have grown up health problems. I have some of the same problems as my parents – how?? I’m constantly having to remind myself that I’m not a teenager anymore and that the mistakes and lack of effort that I afford myself to, no longer only affect me but they also affect those around me. When did this happen? I just have this overwhelming sense of imposter syndrome and to be honest, I don’t know if I want to grow up. I am very happy with the belief that I’m just always a kid. But sometimes I look in the mirror and I think to myself “LOOK HOW OLD YOU LOOK.” Some kid the other day asked me if I played Pong – you know the video game from the 70’s? I was born more than 20 years after that game came out.
And it’s usually when I’m in adult situations where I find myself to be the youngest person in the room. Like when I was at my friends’ engagement party last week and they had drinks, foods, the whole nine yards – truly a lovely day. I came away saying “Damn, that’s some adult shit.” Or anytime my work has a social event that is paid for by someone who is not me and I can essentially drink, eat, and maybe even dance to music on someone else’s dollar. Whenever I am leading a call at work, I come out of it like I was in a trance for the entire call. Did I just become an adult, only for like 10 minutes to return to this bum ass form? Absolutely wild. I shouldn’t be here. I should be collecting $10 a head at my student house for the kegger that we’re throwing on a Saturday night.
Something else that’s quite odd is when I’m speaking to people who are older than me, whether this be socially or professionally and I feel like we’re on even ground. But I thought they were supposed to be senpai, I was supposed to be kohai – why are we equals? Why do I feel so equal? This person has a house, is married, and has kids – but apparently we’re on equal footing? They gotta look after their house, meanwhile I’m looking for an island to disappear to for a week so that I can go party. I think that’s the thing with being in your late 20’s. You have friends who are still in school, friends who are married/have kids, and friends like me who are flying by the seam of their pants.
If you’re reading this and you’re finding that you also don’t feel like an adult, even though your age would say you are, type “F” into the comment section so that everybody reading this feels some solidarity. Weren’t we supposed to get our stuff figured out by now? I guess that no matter how figured out we think we can be, there will always be more problems. I remember when all my problems involved me not having money but now it’s that I’ll never have enough money. When will I become a conservative? Please lord, don’t let me get that old in my mental.
Aren’t the best athletes and the most famous celebrities supposed to be older than you? How did I miss that I’m the oldest person in this room? Regardless, for many of us our parents did a great job hiding that they were vulnerable. Maybe they shouldn’t have.
Also I realize that this article doesn’t flow great but to be honest, the sense of panic I have as I figure out my mortality doesn’t flow well either.